Establishing a culture of feedback can help leaders tackle tough conversations more effectively.
Having difficult conversations is one of the hardest — and most essential — leadership skills. Yet, the higher leaders climb, the more they tend to avoid addressing poor performance or behavior, often out of fear of being disliked. But avoiding friction points doesn’t solve problems — it only delays them and often makes them worse. Authentic leadership has always required the courage to face issues directly.
While conflict avoiders may think they are being diplomatic, others view it as a weakness. The good news? Leaders who handle conflict well earn both the respect and admiration of others.
I once coached a CEO who avoided holding his executives accountable for their behavior. As a result, his leadership team turned toxic. Middle managers caught in the crossfire described it as a “Game of Thrones” environment. Whenever the CEO vented to me about their dysfunction, I’d ask, “Have you told them that?” His answer was always the same: “No.” By failing to enforce standards, he created a leadership vacuum — accountability disappeared, decision-making stalled, profits declined and safety incidents escalated.
While the techniques in this article can help anyone navigate conflict more effectively, they are especially critical for leaders, whose actions — or inactions — often ripple through an entire organization. That’s why mastering tough conversations isn’t optional for leaders; it’s essential.
Lay the groundwork
Tough conversations become far easier — and more likely to end positively — when leaders establish a culture of feedback. Here’s how to lay that foundation.
- Set the expectation of feedback. Strong leaders begin all relationships by setting clear expectations. The most important expectation in any key relationship is feedback. Invite others to give you feedback and ask if you can do the same. This is essential to set the stage for honest communication.
- Ask for advice. People must respect you and feel respected by you before they’ll truly listen to you. One of the quickest ways to build trust and respect is to ask for their advice. While asking for “feedback” can appear like fishing for compliments or inviting criticism, requesting advice is “feed-forward” — it’s easier to receive and action.
- Demonstrate that feedback is a gift. If leaders react defensively to feedback, they can expect others to do the same. Instead, accept advice or criticism with gratitude by simply saying, “Thanks, you’ve given me something to think about.” This shows that you value their input.
- Provide more reaffirming feedback. People need to feel valued before they can accept correction. Regularly acknowledging what they’re doing well reinforces the behaviors you want to see more of and builds relationships of trust.
Once leaders begin modeling these behaviors, they must shift their mindset about how to approach potential friction points.
Lead conversations; don’t try to control them
Some suggest focusing on how the other person’s behavior makes you feel. “Use ‘I’ statements,” they suggest. But that makes the conversation about you, not them. Others recommend scripting out what you’ll say or rehearsing with someone else, but this approach can backfire. Overpreparing makes you less open to the other person’s input and reinforces the flawed idea that tough conversations are one-directional.
The biggest mistake people make is assuming they already have all the facts. They prepare a monologue, deliver their speech and expect the other person to simply accept it. That’s disrespectful because it ignores the other person’s perspective. Reality check: You don’t have a monopoly on the truth. You have valuable insights, but so do they.
The key to successfully navigating tough conversations lies in shifting your mindset. Instead of “giving feedback,” approach these discussions as Alignment Conversations focused on clarifying expectations rather than assigning blame.
People can sense when you’re trying to control the conversation, which can make them feel manipulated and resentful. Instead, initiate a discussion to uncover all the facts and expect to change your perspective. Don’t try to direct them to your solution — again, that feels manipulative. Bring the issue to light and collaborate on the best way forward, ensuring both your needs get met. Here’s how.
The 4 steps of alignment conversations
STEP 1 – ASK ABOUT THE SITUATION
Start by asking questions rather than making statements. Research shows managers who listen first are four times more effective at handling sensitive issues. For example, you might say, “How do you feel the prospect meeting went yesterday?” This directs the conversation toward the issue without triggering defensiveness. It also invites the other person to share insights or facts you might not be aware of. They may even bring up the issue you’d like to discuss.
STEP 2 – SHARE YOUR OBSERVATION
Next, clearly state what you’ve observed. For instance, “I noticed that you interrupted me several times, which made it appear that you wanted me to speak less or that you felt I was hurting the sales pitch.” A strong observation includes the specific behavior and how you interpret it. Using phrases like “it appears,” “it seems” or “comes across” signals that you’re sharing your perspective, not making a final judgment.
STEP 3 – ASK FOR CLARIFICATION
Your perspective may not be entirely accurate, so invite the other person to share theirs. Ask questions like, “Did I interpret this correctly, or am I missing something?” This shifts the conversation from accusation to fact-finding, positioning you as someone seeking understanding rather than assigning blame.
STEP 4 – FOCUS ON IMPROVING THE FUTURE
Once all the facts are on the table, shift the conversation to solutions. If their explanation resolves the issue, great. If not, you might say, “Thanks for clarifying. What could we do differently to prevent this in the future?” The goal is to reach an agreement on actions that will lead to a better outcome next time.
Turn conflict into trust
By following these steps, alignment conversations avoid the hard feelings that result from blame and instead strengthen relationships. Leaders who master this skill don’t just resolve conflicts — they build stronger, more accountable teams and create a culture of continuous improvement.
Tough conversations may never be easy, but with the right approach, they can become one of your greatest leadership strengths and your organization’s biggest advantage.
This article first appeared in SmartBrief.
